I am about to do something so incredibly bad. I keep having these thoughts today like. Why is it when u feel the most betrayed that you urn for someone most in a primal way? I think I always want to feel the weight of my emotions lifted but in a measurable sense. If I write through some sort of pain I want the paper to feel heavier than it did before and if it doesn’t I for whatever reason think that I still carry that emotional baggage around. Maybe the problem is I want it to all go away if I say it out loud. Saying some things outloud is the hardest part. 2 wrongs don’t make a right…and if I do something wrong can I be forgiven…or will it be just what I need. That incent lie I tell…could that be what gives me freedom. Helps me break through??? It was a joke before but not so much now. I can be a bitch I can do things wrong I can tell when I’m just blinded. But living in darkness is easier han facing the light after being in darkness so long. The blinding lightsss squinting and waiting around for ur eyes to adjust so that you can see clearly. The problem is that I am afrid my eyes may never focus enough to see a clear picture. And I wonder if anyone elses does. It feels like everyone elses does sometimes. When things are the best they are the wrost. Maybe I sufer from depression and it comes and goes. I’m fighting a few urges today but I am not sure that I can keep them at bay. I don’t care what it means about me. Weak willed. A liar. Invader of privacy. My whole world is split open. And I am not sure how to close it. How to get it back. I gotta squeeze out the balck head I guess. The blackhead. Fuck Fuck Fuck. How do I let this shit happen to me?? I don’t fucking understand it at all.