I am a little annoyed today. I try to be there for you when I know that you need it. you always act so immature and then push people away like that solves your problems. It is so bizzare. Sometimes when there is a crisis you are so GREAT. You do the right things, jump into action and provide whatever support is needed. You even provide appropriate comic release. But sometimes it is the exact opposite and I don’t understand that. You go into this self loathing act that I can’t tell whether it is real or fake. I also wonder is this just for attention or do you really think like this. You go to this place in your mind of I do everything wrong, no one cares about me or they shouldn’t cuz you do everything wrong. It’s really annoying. It’s not the mature way to handle a freaking problem. And it does not give me confidence in you as a place to gather my strength from. Although whenever I have really needed you, you were always there so that also confuses me. It’s like when it comes to handling someone else’s problems you can help them but handling your own life you are a mess at it. I guess I am too really but I seem to have a better grasp on it than you do. I’m just frustrated right now. You don’t talk when you need to and you say too much when it isn’t needed. Something’s are supposed to be kept in your head. I guess that’s just how I see things. Not everything needs to be verbalized or broadcasted.

I had a very odd night last night. There are so many things to say and too much to say about all of those different things. Hide yo kids Hide yo wife. On the one hand I had a really nice time hanging out with this girl who is getting her masters with Charlie at TWU. We bonded over not liking true blood. It was nice just having fun with someone. I guess I am just trying to sort out my brain. Not in weird way but in a very wow I can make friends on my own still kind of way and this is fun and I don’t feel awkward or nervous like I usually feel. Jackie came over to Charlie’s and threw everyone’s mood off so of course I picked a fight with her about it. It sucks feeling like you can’t say everything that you really want to say. Like I am censoring myself because of who might read this and then it makes me feel like blogging is so vain. But writing helps me sort my brain out most of the time and it allows friends or strangers to give you advice too kind of. That was not a plea for advice though. I just wish I could move our therapy session up sooner than Saturday. Jackie asked me what I wanted and I told her I don’t know. Because I don’t. I am defiantly in love with her still but also disenchanted with the same old story and insecurity masquerading as cocky attitude and the jealousy is at a clinical level I think. She lacks control which is a component of OCD and so I understand that to a fault I guess. And I make too many allowances. Cuz I feel like its not her fault due to it being hard to control compulsion when you are in the throws of anxiety. I have fallen victim to it as well with cutting or degrees of stalking. I guess my chickens are coming home to roost. Its just so much more complicated than it used to be, I wonder if I even really know how to be in a relationship and work through issues. It is almost impossible for me to communicate unless it is through writing. How juvenile is that??? Let me write you letter or message so that you know how I feel stink stink stinky. I had a pretty good weekend except for Sunday night. I actually feel like I can breath better after having written this even if it is scattered and cryptic.

I ate Tom Khai guy soup…spelling not sure about it at all. And I am now eating lil slice of some cheese I got in Austin at the whole foods. Mmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmm. Ooooo so good. Burlesque class is canceled I am kind of sad and glad at the same time. I have school work to do…I did type shit but I erased it. Can I tell you that some ppl do NOT belong in the social work profession!!! Someone in one of my classes has a status on her fb page that says “ Mexicans you know I love you cuz I married one but come on you need to learn how to drive or get insurance. And if not then you need to learn to walk on egg shells like they do in Arizona” OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAME OUT OF MY SEAT IN THE LIB. I could not believe that. I wanna get her kicked out but when I called they said it had to be school related not her personal life unless she like kept breaking the law or something. The following day I saw a truck that said honk for Arizona and stand up with Arizona or some crap like that. I gave it the finger! And i like never do that. Sp later that day I went to therapy and my therapist is a social worker. And I told her about the girl in my class and then she was like omg today I saw a truck and I gave it the “bird”! we bonded in mutual reactions. My mom still has no job. I don’t think she is ready to go back to work yet. And for the record I am getting very upset with Goodyear. 1600 bucks and my a/c still isn’t working. Can’t think of any more to say but I have pleanty more to say. Dang I want some more cheese.

It’s been a weird few days. Fridya was very busy which made Saturday kind of lazy until shopping time in which I spent no money….well not that day. Kept my district 9 plans…there will be a sequel I am sure of it. On to party hop time. Jared and Merries’ party was so awesome mostly because I had never been there before. They were living in the attic of this old house converted to apartments on Oak st. they are living my dream of someday living on oak street. It was painted so nicely with slanted ceilings and a balcony to day for. Attic windows that open to the roof in which I would hang my feet out and watch the Oak street traffic or write a few poems. I loved it but all the stairs wooooh. That’s my lazy gene talking. Moved on to Travis’ party where Jackie and I proceeded to argue…I was being a bit careless about her needs. She said she felt sick and wanted to go eat to feel better. I felt like she made up the feeling sick just to go eat but she may not have and I just wanted to spend more time with my friends. You can imagine how that turned out. Sunday was lllalllaaalaazzzzzzyy. Well I guess kinda we did go to 3 different stores and to a barbq which was fun but weird. We were the only girls and all the other men were gay so they tended to I dunno talk about their weight a lot and make slightly racial jokes. Which bothered me a bit but didn’t seem to bother anyone else. At some point during this wine invested weekend I developed a slight pain on my right side mostly prevalent when I tinkle…I love that word. So I thought hmmmm maybe I have my very first uti or u know kidney infection. Saw a doc. At the minor emergency and it turns out that my urine is: clean as a whistle” I should go and eat some greasy food to see if it bothers my side because it may be my gall bladder but ultimately I need to have an x-ray or sonogram to determine what is causing the pain. I was given some pills for kidney spasms…which I am pretty sure i don’t have. I love the pills cuz they are purple but they turn my urine green bright green as if I poured pure spinach water. I know that was lovely to hear about. But I have been researching online which I know I shouldn’t do cuz I scare myself. Anyway I’m scared it is a kidney stone which terrifies me but at the same time millions of ppl pass them and you don’t need a doc. To help u pass it if that is what I got. Just grin and bear it.

I’m frustrated with work today. I was on the phone for 3 hours trying to help a client with some insurance claims only to find that I can’t do crap about it all and none of her claims will be paid still. My boss also proceeded to talk to me at length today about how she doesn’t at all understand ppl with dental insurance not getting braces for crooked teeth. I’m just sitting there nodding and thinking do u know how long it took me to get comfortable with my teeth and shape size and arrangement does not mean unhealthy always. It can but doesn’t have to. Anyway that is enough of that.

One of my best friends just told me that she got into the peace corp!!! I’m so happy for her! I will miss her dearly but I know she needs this and we will always survive.

I’m looking forward to another busy weekend. Hopefully Mansfeild Friday or sue ellens. Then on to charlie’s art show and the drag party then Beethoven. Then dare I say it….September arrives. Bahhahah. Virgo season is upon us.

Oo and just one other thing to add. I hate having to educate every physician I see about the freaking diva cup and or why as a lesbian the pregnancy and traditional sex questions bother me. I mean they made me pay for a pregnancy test well they charged for it after I told them I was sexually active in the past year but no way I could be preggers. I have no excitement about becoming the next mary either. Well how is that what do you mean explain please. U either are or u aren’t that was 10 bucks of my money.

O and um jax bought me flowers randomly for the 1st time and they were my favorite flowers. Now if we could just get the jealousy and general attitude problem under control we would be set.

I just realized that I do not blog often but when I do its pretty long.

I hate that Sadie leaves little white hairs all over me every morning before work. but i know its my fault cuz i could just not pet her right???
My period came last night and thank god. cuz yesterday honesly this is what i ate: started with 2 clemintines. then i had some grapes and strawberries. 30 minute slater i had a pb and j. after that i had 3 slices of chesse and veggies quesadilla.SP.? THEN I ATE A JELLO CUP. AND DRANK A WHOLE THING OF GATORADE! at no point was i full. i just kept thinking i want chicken strips or sumin. so i just waite dit out till i got home. where i had 2 bowls of cereal. which is prob. 3 bowls for most ppl. then i had scarmbled eggs with chesse with 2 peices of texas toast. that was all. but it was a paragraph worth of food. get me to the gym!
day before yesterday i had a conversation in which someone said KAMYON! i wantto tell u sometjhing. and then proceded to be too scared to tell me. hmmmm. then promptly said they would tell me sometime when they are drunk...?? what's that about?
my family reunion is next weekend and i haven't gone to one alone since Jr. high i don't think. i'm nervous about it but i know i don't need a friend everytime u know.
i'm procrastinanting on applyinmg to grad school. i even asked some ppl to serve as a reference for me to push me to hurry up with it all. but i totally still haven't done the essays. i dunno why i just can't make myself do them. which makes me wonder if i should even go if i can't write the entrance essays...
i need a new car or a serious overhaul of this one.
charlie and i had a beuaty day. mud masks while watching the alzihemers project and french manicure while watching the day the leeves broke part act 1 and 2. was nice. she ate some chicken pasta thing. i was trying really hard to not eat any of it just cuz i had 2 bowls of cereal already.she made me feel not so bad though cuz she had an easy mac cup too. my face does feel smooth today.
who is teh person you feel the most omfortable around??? like you can just be urself without reservation or a second thought. Mine is charlie. i'm just goofy or boring or quiet or loud. i'm glad i have a best friend. it makes life a lil easier.
do you ever see people on occassion through other friends that you just wish in ur mind everytime that you could be friends wityh that person too. but like u know u guys wouldn't really mesh exactly but at occassional hangouts u think wow i mad ethem laugh or hmm. we had a whole conversation this time? i dunno maybe i'm weird but there are some ppl that i just always want to be real friends with but then don't make the effort or whatever and i am also fine with that cu z i don't think we would acctually mesh that well like in alone hangouts.
late bloomers was cuzt and made me so happy. it wa snic eto be in a rom with ppl all lauughing and enjoying a film that a fellow activist made. she broaugh all those ppl to that room. and a poem from the end of teh movie was read at her funeral which made me cry cuz i didn't know it was in the movie.
john and kate plus 8 blah
i miss my friend nikki.
guess i've written enough. my car is so hot you guys dunno what to do!!!no air! ahhhh!!!

I am about to do something so incredibly bad. I keep having these thoughts today like. Why is it when u feel the most betrayed that you urn for someone most in a primal way? I think I always want to feel the weight of my emotions lifted but in a measurable sense. If I write through some sort of pain I want the paper to feel heavier than it did before and if it doesn’t I for whatever reason think that I still carry that emotional baggage around. Maybe the problem is I want it to all go away if I say it out loud. Saying some things outloud is the hardest part. 2 wrongs don’t make a right…and if I do something wrong can I be forgiven…or will it be just what I need. That incent lie I tell…could that be what gives me freedom. Helps me break through??? It was a joke before but not so much now. I can be a bitch I can do things wrong I can tell when I’m just blinded. But living in darkness is easier han facing the light after being in darkness so long. The blinding lightsss squinting and waiting around for ur eyes to adjust so that you can see clearly. The problem is that I am afrid my eyes may never focus enough to see a clear picture. And I wonder if anyone elses does. It feels like everyone elses does sometimes. When things are the best they are the wrost. Maybe I sufer from depression and it comes and goes. I’m fighting a few urges today but I am not sure that I can keep them at bay. I don’t care what it means about me. Weak willed. A liar. Invader of privacy. My whole world is split open. And I am not sure how to close it. How to get it back. I gotta squeeze out the balck head I guess. The blackhead. Fuck Fuck Fuck. How do I let this shit happen to me?? I don’t fucking understand it at all.

hung over the moon

She types so fast I don’t even understand what her fingers could possibly want to convey with such speed and urgency. Where is the freaking fire?? there isn’t one!!! I feel completely weird. I tried to find words that might clue you in as to exactly how I feel but I was unsuccessful. I’m really gonna miss her. I always thought that foil would stick to a magnet and today I found out that I was incorrect. Well it didn’t stick to this particular magnet. This may be due to the magnet being incased in leather which binds my cds. I have to look down to type. I know I should be able to look at the screen but I am just not that talented when it comes to typing. I have tried it a few time…to not look down. Step out of my comfort zone but it always takes way too much time and I would rather look down and make mistakes than take my time and do it right….how American do I sound. Anywhoo the point is when I look down to type my nose begins to run. And it is really annoying. I tried to plug it up with a wad of tissue but that made me sneeze repeatedly. I figured out how to describe how I feel. Extremely tired but still making it and also fuzzy hangover head. But I don’t feel hung over exactly. It’s kind alike I know this fuzzy head feeling will turn into a headache in not too long. I need to be given a list of places I should visit in Austin that are not too expensive to hang at. Any thrift stores that are a must shop??? I gotta map quest them all out. I would really love love love it. Thank you!

I had a dream last night about everyone going camping and I so wanted to go but I had to work. And everyone was slowly talking me into calling in to work. But I ended up not doing it even though I really really wanted to. It was the saddest thing. I don’t know what I would have told them…the problem was I was trying to think of a lie to tell my boss about calling in. but they all sounded like lies so I thought I will tell her i need a personal day…but then she would worry and think something was wrong. She would try to talk to me about whatever might be wrong. And I don’t wanna tell her oh I am just blowing off people who need care to hang out in the mountains with my friends.

You know how u can be surrounded by ppl and really just wanna talk with 1 person there or be around just that one person? But you know if you were just hangout alone with that person things wouldn’t be the way u imagine them to be and your imagination is the cause of wanting to be alone with this person in the first place. I live in a fantasy world. And I usually like it more than reality…I guess o have been feeling kind of lonely. When I think about things and I wonder why that is. And then I realize that I spent most of my childhood alone. Just hanging out with myself, and my books. Be the books academic or pleasure reading. i kinda just sat around drifting into other worlds in a book or one I created in my mind. A professional day dreamer. I still do it a lot. Some ppl spend a lot of time alone when they are young and they like being alone…left in their own solitude. I became the kinda person that needed to be around ppl as much as possible and not be alone all the time. I mean when I need space or something I just take a walk but I hardly ever need space. And mostly all I do when I walk is make up stories about the ppl I pass by or where i could be walking somewhere else in the world…anywhere else in the world. This has been an on going problem recently. Because I dunno how or why but I can tell when my apartment has ppl in it or when it doesn’t I can just feel it I guess. And when I feel like it is empty sometimes I don’t wanna go there. I think I am the kind of person who really like roommates maybe even needs them. I don’t like not having the say so about where things go or how things should be though so I like living alone for that reason. I am a control freak. I always thought my life would be full of so much love and affection. And it kinda is I wonder if that stuff just tappers off as you age or something. I really want an omelet from IHOP right now. must be the hangover kicking into full affect. Sorry I for some reason am now thinking this post must be incredibly emo. I’m premenstrual so my mood is effected. I usually get kinda bitchy, stand offish and depressed before the diva dance days.

3 ppl have said this song reminds them of me and they think of me whenever they hear it…I’ll shall post it. I will also be posting some lyrics for ashley. May she gain knowledge and heart felt appreciation for the man.

JAMIROQUAI

"Virtual Insanity"

Oh yeah, what we're living in (let me tell ya)

It's a wonder man can eat at all

When things are big that should be small

Who can tell what magic spells we'll be doing for us

And I'm giving all my love to this world

Only to be toldI can't seeI can't breathe

No more will we be

And nothing's going to change the way we live

Cos' we can always take but never give

And now that things are changing for the worse,

See, its a crazy world we're living in

And I just can't see that half of us immersed in sin

Is all we have to give these -Futures made of virtual insanity now

Always seem to, be govern'd by this love we have

For useless, twisting, our new technology

Oh, now there is no sound - for we all live underground

And I'm thinking what a mess we're in

Hard to know where to begin

If I could slip the sickly ties that earthly man has made

And now every mother, can choose the colour

Of her childThat's not nature's way

Well that's what they said yesterday

There's nothing left to do but pray

I think it's time I found a new religion

Waoh - it's so insane

To synthesize another strain

There's something in these

Futures that we have to be told.

Futures made of virtual insanity - now

Always seem to, be govern'd by this love we have

For useless, twisting, our new technology

Oh, now there is no sound - for we all live underground

Now there is no sound

If we all live underground

And now it's virtual insanity

Forget your virtual reality

Oh, there's nothing so bad.

I know yeah

Of this virtual insanity, we're livin in.

Has got to change, yeah

Things, will never be the same.

And I can't go on

While we're livin' in oh, oh virtual insanity

Oh, this world, has got to change

Cos I just, I just can't keep going on, it was virtual.

Virtual insanity that we're livin' in, that we're livin' in

That virtual insanity is what it is

Futures made of virtual insanity - now

Always seem to, be govern'd by this love we have

For useless, twisting, our new technology

Oh, now there is no sound - for we all live underground

Living -

Virtual InsanityLiving -

Virtual InsanityLiving -

Virtual InsanityLiving -

Virtual Insanity

Virtual Insanity is what we're living in

Anyway I guess I should stop just rambling. I couldn’t concentrate on anything accept trying not to fall asleep so I started typing and now my brain is doing a little better. Still not up to working par but I will make due.

Corinne Bailey Rae - Put Your Records On lyrics

Three little birds, sat on my window.

And they told me I don't need to worry.

Summer came like cinnamon

So sweet,

Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.

Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright

The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same

Oh, don't you hesitate.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song

You go ahead, let your hair down

Sapphire and faded jeans,

I hope you get your dreams,

Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Blue as the sky, sunburnt and lonely,

Sipping tea in the bar by the roadside,(just relax, just relax)

Don't you let those other boys fool you,

Got to love that afro hair do.

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright

The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.

Don't you think it's strange?

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song

You go ahead, let your hair down

Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,

Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

'Twas more than I could take, pity for pity's sake

Some nights kept me awake, I thought that I was stronger

When you gonna realise, that you don't even have to try any longer?

Do what you want to.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song

You go ahead, let your hair down

Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,

Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song

You go ahead, let your hair down

Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,

Just go ahead, let your hair down