I am about to do something so incredibly bad. I keep having these thoughts today like. Why is it when u feel the most betrayed that you urn for someone most in a primal way? I think I always want to feel the weight of my emotions lifted but in a measurable sense. If I write through some sort of pain I want the paper to feel heavier than it did before and if it doesn’t I for whatever reason think that I still carry that emotional baggage around. Maybe the problem is I want it to all go away if I say it out loud. Saying some things outloud is the hardest part. 2 wrongs don’t make a right…and if I do something wrong can I be forgiven…or will it be just what I need. That incent lie I tell…could that be what gives me freedom. Helps me break through??? It was a joke before but not so much now. I can be a bitch I can do things wrong I can tell when I’m just blinded. But living in darkness is easier han facing the light after being in darkness so long. The blinding lightsss squinting and waiting around for ur eyes to adjust so that you can see clearly. The problem is that I am afrid my eyes may never focus enough to see a clear picture. And I wonder if anyone elses does. It feels like everyone elses does sometimes. When things are the best they are the wrost. Maybe I sufer from depression and it comes and goes. I’m fighting a few urges today but I am not sure that I can keep them at bay. I don’t care what it means about me. Weak willed. A liar. Invader of privacy. My whole world is split open. And I am not sure how to close it. How to get it back. I gotta squeeze out the balck head I guess. The blackhead. Fuck Fuck Fuck. How do I let this shit happen to me?? I don’t fucking understand it at all.

hung over the moon

She types so fast I don’t even understand what her fingers could possibly want to convey with such speed and urgency. Where is the freaking fire?? there isn’t one!!! I feel completely weird. I tried to find words that might clue you in as to exactly how I feel but I was unsuccessful. I’m really gonna miss her. I always thought that foil would stick to a magnet and today I found out that I was incorrect. Well it didn’t stick to this particular magnet. This may be due to the magnet being incased in leather which binds my cds. I have to look down to type. I know I should be able to look at the screen but I am just not that talented when it comes to typing. I have tried it a few time…to not look down. Step out of my comfort zone but it always takes way too much time and I would rather look down and make mistakes than take my time and do it right….how American do I sound. Anywhoo the point is when I look down to type my nose begins to run. And it is really annoying. I tried to plug it up with a wad of tissue but that made me sneeze repeatedly. I figured out how to describe how I feel. Extremely tired but still making it and also fuzzy hangover head. But I don’t feel hung over exactly. It’s kind alike I know this fuzzy head feeling will turn into a headache in not too long. I need to be given a list of places I should visit in Austin that are not too expensive to hang at. Any thrift stores that are a must shop??? I gotta map quest them all out. I would really love love love it. Thank you!

I had a dream last night about everyone going camping and I so wanted to go but I had to work. And everyone was slowly talking me into calling in to work. But I ended up not doing it even though I really really wanted to. It was the saddest thing. I don’t know what I would have told them…the problem was I was trying to think of a lie to tell my boss about calling in. but they all sounded like lies so I thought I will tell her i need a personal day…but then she would worry and think something was wrong. She would try to talk to me about whatever might be wrong. And I don’t wanna tell her oh I am just blowing off people who need care to hang out in the mountains with my friends.

You know how u can be surrounded by ppl and really just wanna talk with 1 person there or be around just that one person? But you know if you were just hangout alone with that person things wouldn’t be the way u imagine them to be and your imagination is the cause of wanting to be alone with this person in the first place. I live in a fantasy world. And I usually like it more than reality…I guess o have been feeling kind of lonely. When I think about things and I wonder why that is. And then I realize that I spent most of my childhood alone. Just hanging out with myself, and my books. Be the books academic or pleasure reading. i kinda just sat around drifting into other worlds in a book or one I created in my mind. A professional day dreamer. I still do it a lot. Some ppl spend a lot of time alone when they are young and they like being alone…left in their own solitude. I became the kinda person that needed to be around ppl as much as possible and not be alone all the time. I mean when I need space or something I just take a walk but I hardly ever need space. And mostly all I do when I walk is make up stories about the ppl I pass by or where i could be walking somewhere else in the world…anywhere else in the world. This has been an on going problem recently. Because I dunno how or why but I can tell when my apartment has ppl in it or when it doesn’t I can just feel it I guess. And when I feel like it is empty sometimes I don’t wanna go there. I think I am the kind of person who really like roommates maybe even needs them. I don’t like not having the say so about where things go or how things should be though so I like living alone for that reason. I am a control freak. I always thought my life would be full of so much love and affection. And it kinda is I wonder if that stuff just tappers off as you age or something. I really want an omelet from IHOP right now. must be the hangover kicking into full affect. Sorry I for some reason am now thinking this post must be incredibly emo. I’m premenstrual so my mood is effected. I usually get kinda bitchy, stand offish and depressed before the diva dance days.

3 ppl have said this song reminds them of me and they think of me whenever they hear it…I’ll shall post it. I will also be posting some lyrics for ashley. May she gain knowledge and heart felt appreciation for the man.

JAMIROQUAI

"Virtual Insanity"

Oh yeah, what we're living in (let me tell ya)

It's a wonder man can eat at all

When things are big that should be small

Who can tell what magic spells we'll be doing for us

And I'm giving all my love to this world

Only to be toldI can't seeI can't breathe

No more will we be

And nothing's going to change the way we live

Cos' we can always take but never give

And now that things are changing for the worse,

See, its a crazy world we're living in

And I just can't see that half of us immersed in sin

Is all we have to give these -Futures made of virtual insanity now

Always seem to, be govern'd by this love we have

For useless, twisting, our new technology

Oh, now there is no sound - for we all live underground

And I'm thinking what a mess we're in

Hard to know where to begin

If I could slip the sickly ties that earthly man has made

And now every mother, can choose the colour

Of her childThat's not nature's way

Well that's what they said yesterday

There's nothing left to do but pray

I think it's time I found a new religion

Waoh - it's so insane

To synthesize another strain

There's something in these

Futures that we have to be told.

Futures made of virtual insanity - now

Always seem to, be govern'd by this love we have

For useless, twisting, our new technology

Oh, now there is no sound - for we all live underground

Now there is no sound

If we all live underground

And now it's virtual insanity

Forget your virtual reality

Oh, there's nothing so bad.

I know yeah

Of this virtual insanity, we're livin in.

Has got to change, yeah

Things, will never be the same.

And I can't go on

While we're livin' in oh, oh virtual insanity

Oh, this world, has got to change

Cos I just, I just can't keep going on, it was virtual.

Virtual insanity that we're livin' in, that we're livin' in

That virtual insanity is what it is

Futures made of virtual insanity - now

Always seem to, be govern'd by this love we have

For useless, twisting, our new technology

Oh, now there is no sound - for we all live underground

Living -

Virtual InsanityLiving -

Virtual InsanityLiving -

Virtual InsanityLiving -

Virtual Insanity

Virtual Insanity is what we're living in

Anyway I guess I should stop just rambling. I couldn’t concentrate on anything accept trying not to fall asleep so I started typing and now my brain is doing a little better. Still not up to working par but I will make due.

Corinne Bailey Rae - Put Your Records On lyrics

Three little birds, sat on my window.

And they told me I don't need to worry.

Summer came like cinnamon

So sweet,

Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.

Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright

The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same

Oh, don't you hesitate.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song

You go ahead, let your hair down

Sapphire and faded jeans,

I hope you get your dreams,

Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Blue as the sky, sunburnt and lonely,

Sipping tea in the bar by the roadside,(just relax, just relax)

Don't you let those other boys fool you,

Got to love that afro hair do.

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright

The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.

Don't you think it's strange?

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song

You go ahead, let your hair down

Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,

Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

'Twas more than I could take, pity for pity's sake

Some nights kept me awake, I thought that I was stronger

When you gonna realise, that you don't even have to try any longer?

Do what you want to.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song

You go ahead, let your hair down

Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,

Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song

You go ahead, let your hair down

Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,

Just go ahead, let your hair down

$$$

man. i got a lot of things on my mind today. i finished my book not too long ago and it was kinda sad to finish it. i was happy reading something again. so now i am reading like 3 books at once. my allergies are back and my chest hurts on the left side today. my arm feels slightly numb too but i figured it's just stress it usually is. not sure what i am stressed out about. i guess i'm also worried about money. my rent went up 45 bucks. i guess that isn't too much but i just wish it would stay the same all of the time. also i found out that Travis is moving to Louisiana. and Alex may be going to Chicago. Kinda sad when you think about ppl moving on. i recently pondered moving to Austin but then i i decided not to move out of Denton before 2010. my rent going up probably pissed me off a lot today. i wish it were new york where you could have a rent controlled apartment. i am also considering a big change a move in...but i am wondering what that will entail. like rules wise and we both have this thing about power. i feel i need it all and so does she...so then we might argue over the smallest of things. it is like i am just now getting used to the idea of living with her and then a wrench got thrown in the mix which made me stand off from it. i guess i would just need to know and feel sure that everything would be respectful and respected. no disrespect please. and also relationship wise i don't feel like we are where i want us to be exactly. but it is still probably better than it ever has been. or even if i knew what was expected of us each. might make a difference. i feel like i really need to get away. but i've gotten away a lot this half of a year as it is. so maybe i don't need too. but maybe i am used to getting away and so now i wanna. i really need a trip to Austin i think cuz i haven't been since...hmmm since i went with charlie and we saw the mentor. but i have no extra money for getting away!!! everything costs more. like food and rent and gas. maybe i need to spend fortune on getting my masters in something...nething and then i'll be ok.??? or not.

ooo the pain

my stomach is hurting...crampoos. i feel as if someone is twisting my diaphramlike a pretzel assembly line. everytime i look down at my boobs...well let me rephrase. everytime i look down at anything i see my boobs first for whatever reason. and today i am thinking wow how cute is this cleevage??? this happens to me occasionally. i have teh strong urge to drink a lot today...but i don't think i can sinc ei am going to be around small children for teh whole weekend. that might be the part that gets me. but i am very happy that i will be seeing my sister tonight for the frist time since forever. is tea good for plants??? i guess i could look that up online. i have a really bad habbit of not using teh internet to its full potential. liek looking up articles and whta bs the governemnt is up to today. or an alternative resource to oil. and what could be my next favorite band if i just searched hard enough. my best freind and i hung out at my humble apatrment last night. she was pretty funny for obbviesse reasons. but we had a fun lil time. and after she left. i poured my milk into the sink and went to my room to sleep. only to be reminded that i had taken my sheets off of teh bed to clean them. and i rmemebered that i forgot to put them in the dryer while charlene was present. so i did so then. and slept for about 12 hours on my matress. kicking old school liek the bordello with a bare matress on the floor of the back room. o yes. something happend to me that wasn't very good not tooo too bad though. i beleive it must be karma for what happend at six flags. jax and i saw this poor girl with her period and it was soaking through her white and rainbow stripped shorts. i think a water ride got the best of her...so then i felt liek i should say soemthing. but i thought well she is witha freind and her friend will probably tell her. plus i didn't wanna be this person who's face she will never forget cuz she came up to her and siad young lady i think u should visit teh restroom i think u may have had an accident. that is the kind of thing that would kinda scare me mentally. i remember soemone from church who told me i needed to tell my mom that i needed tosatrt wearing bras and to take me to get one. i mean puberty stuff at that age can get ya pretty bad especially at that age. anyway i need to get a lot of work done. i never even turned onb my computer at wrok until 2 pm cuz i was out doing stuff all day today. one more thing...today i had bug infestation of my car. first i noticed a grasshopper on the radio dial. then later a spider on the passenger side inside door frame. which i hope i killed but i'm not sure. and then i saw one webbing it's way down to m shoulder from teh ceeiling! and i swatted and screamed and flung around...dunno what happend to any of them. but now i'm scared to get in the car everytime!

We live in a fast paced world where we can throw everything away and get more just as fast. We want instant gratification in everything in our lives from fast food to One hour photos. Where is the pride of preparing a hot rich meal and enjoying it with those you care about? We get so used to being a society where if it takes effort then forget it move on and find it somewhere else. Unfortunetly love seems to have also found itself in that same category of trivial and easily tossed items. We dont see the beauty in being with someone who wants to get you and is interested in making you happy. We search for the person that in that moment has made us happy. Loyalty is fleeting. We see possible hardship and begin to question loves worth. I am guilty of this myself...why deal with someone elses bullshit, right? When was the feeling that we get when you lay in someones arms that wants to please you the rest of your life so easily replaced by the diluted and cheap urge to find someone to please us for the night? Has sex becoem more important than love? We dont long to grow old with someone that has been there for every trial and tribulation because that brings up our own mortality and the idea that we may one day get old and life as we know it will be shattered. No one fights for love anymore everyone expects it to continue to be the same rush we feel when we had our first kiss. Love at first sight is bullshit no one looks at a partner across the hall and thinks man i would love to share a sunset with them when im 70. Love takes work and you have to fight for it.We have lost our passion but kept the lust. When i see a 65 year old man holding a door for his wife or an elderly lesbian couple holding hands and walking around teh square, it makes me feel happy and empty inside because i dont know how to envision myself that way but i want to. I see older couples that have been together 40 years that started as two kids barely scraping by and they were happy. They had faith in each other and found shelter and comfort in each other no matter what came thier way.They argued and yelled and smiled and laughed and gave birth to a family that may have at times driven them nuts, but they continued to fight every day and they continued to put forth the effort to always remember that even tho i dont like you right now ill still love you in the morning always and forever. When the fuck did we become such a spoiled ass generation that an arguement or disagreement can make us throw everything good we have away? We would rather suffer alone than to possibly find comfort and support in another person. We constantly question our partners love for us and thier fidelity. We dont know how to love. And even worse sometimes we dont know how to let ourselves be loved. We build walls everyday because we learn to rely on ourselves at least we wont ever hurt ourselves or let ourselves down. Life isnt easy...it was never supposed to be. And love is not an exception to that rule. Take a chance endure some pain and immerse yourself in the good feelings you get when your with your special someone instead of always looking for the next possibility of disappointment or betrayal. Open yourself up to letting someone love you and then make the effort to make it work. It's easy to run from love people do it every day and fill thier lives with work and anything that makes them forget or not care about love. Love takes strength. True strength.----adapted. just rambling a lil bout my head.

I am for some selfish reason glad that this month is coming to an end. It was fun but way way busy. 2 trips and the jazzfest and edgesfest all wrapped into one hectic month. plus i am really behind at work. more than i have been for a while. but for some reason when i am behind it greaks me out and i get more bhind due to feeling overwhelemd by how behind i was to start with. i can just hammer it out if i get in that u know focus mind frame. i am living a sedintary life style. i need to get out and move around some mone. i was way motivate dbefore but then i had soem trips in the middle and they threw off teh routine. i can get back in teh swing soon though. no more distractions. we are fighting for our helth here and that is important. my nails are really long right now and i keep looking at them and wondering how they grew to this length.
second thoughts...i should have never bought that dress! or that halter top for that matter. i'd have another 100 bucks right now...but maybe it was worth it cuz i felt super hott at the femmies and at sue ellens. which is popping btw. let shope it stays that way. the 2nd floor is really smokey though.

30 days of joy
I notice that you notice
My thoughts become your words
My need is your concern
Laughing under a swirling sky
Contemplating in candle lit rooms
Questioning the unknown
Accepting present circumstances
Defining words pluck rooted growth
April keeps me smiling
Beyond 30days..mystery

appreently i should be a nurse....got some ppl to message

and the survey says

i polled a few friends today about my love interest...and the overwhelming theme was why the hell not? which i wasn't expecting but was glad to recive. i am no longer scared and for a long time i think i was more scared of what other ppl would say or think but it's my life u can deal. but really no one else thinks any less of it than me. so on a ledge i will step. and the worst that can happen is heart break right??? been there done that...a couple or more times. i can take it if it happens. but i'm pretty sure it won't this time. something tells me that it's all good. bumps maybe but diasters...no. I love her, so what was i so afriad of?